30K & Counting

Fact: In under a year, over 30,000 applications were introduced for the iPhone and iPod touch. That's over 80 every day.

Developers around the globe have come to offer us everything from song recognition to bar code scanners. Apple simply collects the apps, helps them sell, and offers us the catchy (and equally annoying) slogan, “There’s an app for that”. But the question is, should there be a filtering system of some kind? Because while many are great, most are just plain garbage*.

*Garbage Pail Kids – Find The Flaw ($1.99)
Rating: 3 stars (87 ratings)
Brief description: Find the differences in the pictures.
Personal Rating: Someone needs to reevaluate the rating system. And thank you iTunes for being so timely. 1985 felt like yesterday. Looking forward to your Bubble-Tape application so I can measure how stupid I am.

I understand. There are applications out there that aren’t to be taken too seriously. I’ll be the first to admit I enjoy Lightsaber. Atomic Fart? You bet. But if you were designing these things, wouldn’t you like to have your name attached to something slightly cool? These developers shouldn’t think that every person who runs out and buys the iPhone is a complete idiot**.

**Idiot Meter (.99 cents)
No Ratings
Brief Description: Control the Idiot Meter by tilting your device up or down, or by discretely touching a secret bar at the bottom of the screen. It can’t be more realistic than this! An alarm sounds and an announcement is made to make sure every one in the room finds out that an idiot was detected.
Personal Rating: I just got dumber.

Now, I don’t want to tell you where to spend your money. But if you’re tempted to pay actual American currency for some of these apps, buyer be warned. “It’s so cheap”, you’ll tell yourself, to avoid instant remorse. Before you know it, you’re up to five pages of useless apps and have to start making excuses to your friends like a closet alcoholic. “I didn’t buy that”, or “It was for a friend”. Next time, just take a deep breath, and slowly move your fingers away from typing in that password which, over the years, has become FAR TOO EASY to instinctively punch in. Besides, some of them are too expensive***.

***IZ She Expensive? (.99 cents)
No Ratings
Brief Description: Are you dating someone who is NEVER satisfied? Are you in a “high-maintenance” relationship?
Personal Rating: Are you ready to throw away 99 cents?

But wait, there’s more. Before I close out, I’d like to remind you of the number: 80. Every single day. That's to say for every Pandora Radio application, there’s an equally awful app****.

****A Bubble Wrap App – iBubbleWrap! (.99 cents)
Rating: 3 stars (1626 ratings)
Brief Description: iBubbleWrap is the MOST realistic bubble wrap popping app on the App store!
Personal Rating: Time to PACK IT IN. Eh?! Right?! Because of the bubble wra--

Football, shmootball.

I'd like to offer this: To those who jump into this wild roller-coaster ride of emotions every year that we call "Fantasy Football", perhaps we should think about renaming it. It's not too difficult to realize that we misinterpret fifty percent of the phrase. Football? Yes. Fantasy? Hardly.

I feel like I've got a decent grasp on the kind of world you all live in. And with that, I feel comfortable enough in saying I'm *sure* that none of you would call a world in which your team *loses*...EVER...a "fantasy" world. Moreover, I'm sure that in this "fantasy", your players would not get injured, leaving you with your scrubs, whom you can only pray didn’t start their day by covering their hands in Country Crock spread.

Would your Kevin Curtis’ and Carnell Williams’ of the world blow their knees? Would your Aaron Rodgers’ and Brian Westbrooks sprain their ankles? In a "Fantasy", would you even OWN a Tony Richardson, or want to bother seeing his name as an “Available RB”? Go ahead. Look him up. And no, you wouldn’t.

Now, I don't want to get into a big heated discussion about what we should consider calling it instead of "Fantasy" Football. There are many options, and as you're reading this, I'm sure your brain is scrambling. Off the top of my head: "Anguish", "Reality Check", and "Heartbreak" just to name a few.

Without getting too preachy, I’ll leave you with this: If we’re going to continue to call this “Fantasy Football” year after dream-crushing year, I’d like to make a few phone calls. I’d like to call those who have made it to my rosters in years past and ask a few questions. For example, “How can you be hurt if your bones are made of steel?”, or, “Why didn’t you just use your super-speed?!”, and “How come you didn’t just morph into a fucking T-rex?!”

It's time to brainstorm, people. Because last time I checked, Eli Manning’s arm ISN’T robotic.